Recently I shared an article on social media about the exhaustion of being the “Primary Parent.” That parent on those school or camp or dance or doctor’s forms (ALL THOSE NEVER ENDING FORMS). Those forms where my name goes in this space:
CONTACT #1. MOTHER.
The weight of it is real. It’s only a couple months into the school year, but life moves fast, and we’re heading into full-on holiday season. And the reality is, so many of us “primary parents” are already stretched thin. To be clear: I have a great life. I am amazed at what I get to do. I’m so grateful I get to parent a great kid, lead an incredible organization, and be married to an amazing guy who does SO MUCH – but life as a mom-wife-daughter-friend-business owner is a lot, friend. Too much, sometimes. A good life doesn’t mean an easy life, am I right?
When I posted the “Primary Parent” article, comments started popping up almost immediately. I wasn’t the only one who felt like I could have written it myself. Friends commented that they were there, too. One family member said she wished she just had one more clone of her, because she’s so stretched. It’s an interesting season, this season of life. It’s good, and I wouldn’t trade my kiddo for the world, but it’s exhausting too. It’s a season where it is far too easy to feel stretched too thin.
Honestly, 2018 – 2019 have been years of being stretched and pulled and by the end of this summer and all the summer camps and filling in gaps and trying to keep up with work, I was worn out. Done. Between work, concussion recovery, relational situations, and a really intensive parenting stretch, my tank had been running on empty for a few hundred (thousand) kilometres.
Sometimes, circumstances mean that, in seasons, we’ll be stretched beyond our limits. That’s life. But, it can’t last that way for too long. The danger, for me, is making it a pattern of behaviour, rather than a season. Forgetting that I’m created for an abundant life – not an overwhelming one. Ignoring my empty tank, and daring my body to break down.
A conversation with a good friend helped me see some shifts to make. I talked to my doctor about exhaustion. I’m trying to take more walks. I’m using my beautiful craft studio that my beloved set up. I stopped researching speech therapy techniques and ADHD IEP’s, and started watching YouTube videos that inspire my creativity. Asked more for help, without being resentful of my “primary parent” role. I engaged a coach to help me think through this season of life, and she challenged me to identify things and people that bring energy to me, not just things or people I pour out energy to (which is especially hard.)
I’m still doing these things. My empty tank is a quarter-full tank now, and looking like a fill-up is possible. And I’m feeling more human. More like myself and less stretched thin. More like I’m living in abundance, instead of overwhelm. I’m looking ahead to the Christmas season with more joy.
I’m listening to other, more veteran, mothers too. Telling me not to try to do it all (something we all know, but it’s hard to discern in the moment.) Helping me say “no” to good things that just don’t fit in this season. And, as a full-time working-outside-the-home-in-a-pretty-demanding-job Mom, I’m huge on trying to outsource the parts of my life that I can. Sometimes I can’t see the “outsourceable” pieces or the appointments that really can be postponed or cancelled and it’s good to have (kind) perspective on my life from others. Because, women in my stage of life still need Mamas. Maybe we need them more than ever. We need Mamas who love us. Who nurture us. Who support us. Mamas who help us learn what to say yes to, and what to say no to.
And the temptation, since I’m feeling a little more whole, is to say yes a whole lot more. But one friend – who has volunteered to be one of my “Mama” voices – told me to say “not now”. She gave me permission to not be all the things, to all the people who want them, and it was a gift. If you’re no longer in this stretched thin season, reach out to one of those “Primary Parents.” They need a Mama too.
And friend? If you’re stretched too thin, I want to thank you for just showing up here. Your time is precious. Let’s help fill each other’s tanks, okay? xo
Book Giveaway!
I have a gift for two of you mamas who feel stretched thin in this season. Jessica Turner’s book Stretched Too Thin: How Working Moms Can Lose the Guilt, Work Smarter, and Thrive. It’s a super-practical, new book that will validate your struggle, and help you find ways to live beyond it.
Want a copy? Enter by commenting below and telling me one way that you’re filling your empty tank these days.
*This contest is now closed. Thank you for participating!
Well, it is a struggle, but…. i have time off during the week, and i order a fancy coffee at Starbucks and make my list of “things to do”…. you know, (the never-ending list) but at least it focusus me and gets it out of my head. I also call a friend and prayer warrior that keeps me grounded. Another thing I have been doing is setting some boundaries. This has been hard but necessary. Also i have been registering myself for all things wellness, worship and women’s retreat/conferences/sessions. This is a must for women at least a couple times a year. So all of this is outside of my regular time with God but they are little steps for me. I’m not quite there yet but… eventually.
Beautiful thoughts and inspiration you have shared again. I am taking me time and crocheting. Every day.
Thanks
I love that! What are you working on crocheting? I love to do embroidery when I’m sitting in front of the TV in the evening.
I’ve started knitting hats! It’s good to be doing a project I can finish in a day or two and feel good about instead of starting something too big.
Plus someone told me this gem, “No is a complete sentence.”
I am a psychotherapist and mom of four! So, there are lots of people who need me and it’s easy to feel stretched too thin! Would love a copy of the book to read for myself and then pass along to one of my tired mama clients who needs some encouragement!
Oh my sweet friend. I hear your cry for help. and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed. I have been there.
One suggestion: If you let your husband help more – without fussing about HOW he does it – it will help you immensely. For me, I wanted things done the right way – so I did them myself. I have learned to not only accept help but not to judge HOW the help is carried out. It has given me greater freedom, made me less judgmental and given me more love for those who wish to help.
There is no doubt that you are in the “thick of it” as a parent. I can tell you that it does get better, but my older self would tell you that the things that seem important now will not be 10 years from now.
Family is important. Focus on that. Ask for and accept help and don’t worry about how it’s done. I know you have a lot of medical concerns with your little one, but at some point you have to trust that you have done all that you can do and simply trust that God is with the entire medical team and the best outcomes will happen for her.
I will be praying for you. I wish I lived closer to bring in a few meals for you.
You are loved!
Kelly
I love how much he does help – he is such a great guy, and we really are partners in most things. The hard thing is that my work is more flexible, and our girl has some extra needs, so I am always that “primary parent.” It’s a season, but one I need to keep learning how to thrive in. Love you, friend!
A great post, Ellen! We all need seasons when we are free to say “not now.” This is especially true as we come into the Christmas season. Well done!
I’m so grateful that you’re helping me say “not now.” You are a gift! xo
I am now a mom and a grandma and a daughter and a friend and …… No matter our stage of life, we all need time to be refilled and refreshed. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability in your posts. While I am now retired from the workforce, I continue to be a working/volunteering mom/grandma/etc. If chosen to be the recipient of this book, I will give it to my daughter …. a working wonderful mom. The only 2 pieces of advice I can pass on are 1) ”No” is a complete sentence and 2) Don’t feel guilty for looking after yourself. Blessings, Chris<
It takes courage to be vulnerable, for sure – so thanks for your encouragement! Blessings to you (& your daughter!) too!
Pretty bad when I had to sit for a few minutes to think about how I’m filling my tank as I’m also in a season of being stretched. But the answer: London Fogs. I make myself a fancy tea and spend a few calm minutes drinking it. The tea and vanilla hit my brain into a happy place, I get a mini-decompress session and it helps me fill up just enough to make it to the next thing.
Thankfully, November is looking less busy than Sept/Oct.
I try to make time for myself each day. The guilt of taking time for myself almost kills me, so often my “me time” is spent making things for others which is both cathartic and productive, I guess.
I think I need to read this book!
Putting my phone down and resisting the urge to get a few minutes of work squeezed into tight spaces has been freeing. I’ve also been feeling drained with social media – choosing not to check in buys me valuable quiet moments. Crafting, reading and a hot cup of tea are life’s little luxuries too 🙂 Great article my friend!
I’m in tears. What I hoped was a season of being stretched has become more than a season. I feel like Gumby. I’m at home today – taking a sick day to rest, and read a great article. Thank you Ellen! And, to everyone else here. If I don’t win the book, but you do – please share the knowledge learned with your friends, and me. Let’s share each others burdens.
I didn’t raise children but have been blessed with two adult stepchildren. But I can understand being stretched too thin as I care for my disabled husband and work full-time. However, if I win this book, I’ll give it to my daughter-in-law as she works full time, has young children and she and her husband have just purchased a business. She’s busy!
and my personal tank filler: I go to art class once a week and forget about everything as I paint.